A Midterm day's Nightmare
by GrippoMustaine1996
Summary: The Marauders are in their prime, and James Potter has his eye on Lily Evans. When they try to slip her a love potion, things go very, very wrong. Humor, love, and some very twisted stuff :
1. Chapter 1

**Very first HP Fanfic! Please review, or else I won't know if you like it or not :)**

**I do not own Harry Potter, the characters, JKR, or a Ferrari. Wish I did own a Ferari, though, 'cause that would be so damned cool.**

Sirius Black was walking through the halls of Hogwarts with his best friends in the whole world. There was Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin, and last but not least James Potter. Apart, they were misfits. Together, they were the Marauders.

They came up to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"What is the password, boys?" she asked.

"Well, if you don't know, who does?" James snickered.

She looked down her nose at him. "That's getting rather old."

"Phoenix feathers," Remus said calmly. They stepped through the hole, walking into the Gryffindor common room. They were greeted by many sighs and giggles from the girls in the room, even the seventh-years. Sirius winked at a girl with dark brown hair and pretty blue eyes. She ducked her head and blushed.

"If Frank Longbottom knew that you were winking at Alice, I'm fairly sure he'd tear your head off." Stated Remus.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "That's the _point, _Moony. He hasn't asked her out yet, and he's liked her for what, two years? I'm attempting to help him find the courage."

"So your shagging Alice in a closet somewhere is going to help _him _find courage?"

"Precisely, my furry friend. And I intent to help James in the same way."

James punched Sirius in the arm. "You will _not _be shagging Lily. If you do, I'll ram my horns up your arse."

"Kinky."

Peter laughed at this. "Didn't know you went that way, Prongs."

"Oh yes, Peter, and you have been selected as my next victim." He slung his arm over Wormtail's shoulder and waggled his eyebrows.

"So when _do _you plan on asking Lily out?" inquired Moony, sinking into a vacant armchair.

"When I feel like it." Prongs grumbled, sitting in the one opposite him.

"If you don't go after her soon, I'm afraid you may have to compete with Snivellus."

"Shut up, Padfoot. They're just friends."

"Just like Frank and Alice are just friends? Which reminds me, Alice, darling?" he called.

Alice walked over to his chair, still blushing.

"Yes, Sirius?'

"Would you do me the great honor accompanying me to Hogsmede this Saturday?"

"Sure," she gasped.

"Thank you. Do join us, we were just discussing James and Lily."

"Are you _ever _going to ask her out?" she asked, sitting on the arm of Sirius' chair.

"I will ask her out when she quits hating me."

"Don't hold your breath," said Molly Weasley as she walked towards the girl's dormitories. James groaned and put his head in his hands.

"We could always slip her a love potion. If the effects last long enough and taper off slowly, she'll still love you after it's out of her system." Remus mused.

"That's barbaric! Insane! Morally bankrupt!" Alice yelped.

"Let's do it!" said the Marauders unanimously.

* * *

><p>"How much longer until it's ready, Remmy the nerd?"<p>

"If you keep breathing down my neck and calling me a nerd every ten seconds, it might tragically become a hate potion instead!"

"Sorry, sorry. I just want James and Lily to get together as soon as possible."

"We all do, Padfoot. Now sit, and stay!"

"Not funny," he mumbled. The two boys were sitting in the middle of their dormitory, surrounded by books and hovering over a pot that smelled like roses and juniper. Remus was leafing through two different books, comparing measurements. Sirius leaned over the pot, smelling the potion. He felt a bit lightheaded, and he thought of Lily. He could see why his best friend liked her; with her long, red hair, and her sparkling green eyes, she was a dream come true. He daydreamed of her laughing, of her placing her hands on his shoulders, of her placing her soft, pink lips on his own…"Oh no, you don't," said Remus, looking up from his books.

"Sorry." Sirius ran a hand through his hair and then backed away from the pot.

"Potent, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Can you make it any stronger?"

Moony looked at him as though he had gone mad. "If I make it any stronger, Lily won't just be infatuated with James. She'll be obsessed with him, she'll feel like she's in pain every second she's away from him, and she's going to want to snog him all the time."

"So it'll be the same for her as it is for him?"

Remus thought about it for a moment, and then placed another few rose petals in the pot.

"I know I'm going to regret this."

* * *

><p>They walked into the Great Hall. Almost everyone was finished with breakfast, and this vexed Sirius. He hadn't had anything to eat since supper last night.<p>

"Ta da!" said Remus as he presented the pink vial to James.

"Moony, I could kiss you."

"You're cheating on me?" Wormtail asked as he pushed out his bottom lip.

"Sorry, Peter, you don't satisfy me anymore. Now, are we going to slip it in her drink?"

"That's probably the best way."

"But… how will we convince her to drink it?'

"Well, seeing as she was intending to drink it anyway, I'd say that won't be a _huge _problem. Leave it to me," Sirius said as he snatched the bottle and walked away. As he expected, Lily was seated between Alice and Molly."Good morning, ladies! I'm here to ask a very important question of Miss Alice." he announced as he uncorked the vial, hidden by his sleeve.

"Yes?"

"While we are together in Hogsmede, I was wondering if you'd like to stop at a quaint little tea shop. I figured it'd be nice to stop in, have a bite, leave, have a snog…" he shrugged his shoulders, his left hand passing over Lily's cup.

"Watch it, prat," she growled as she dragged her cup away from his sleeve. She didn't notice that now she had slightly pink pumpkin juice.

"Um… Well, er, I…" Alice stuttered.

"Think about it. You can decide when we get there." He gave her a peck on the cheek and walked away.

"You sly devil!" James said as he thumped Sirius on the back, looking at the half empty bottle.

"Thank you, that'll be five galleons."

"Shove off. How long until it kicks in, Moony?"

"We should be seeing results in about three hours."

"I can't wait until charms class," James said, rubbing his hands together and smiling at the love of his life.

* * *

><p>Potions, astronomy and transfiguration passed in a blur. Much homework had been given out, and Remmy the nerd was already finished with half of it.<p>

The Marauders walked into professor Flitwick's class, and James had his head held high in anticipation.

"I'll _kill _you, Alice! I'll _KILL _you!" screamed the lovely Lily Evans. Molly and Hannah were holding her back, and Alice just stood there, shocked.

"How could you do this to me?"

"What? What did I do?" Alice whimpered.

Sirius walked forward, stepping between the two women.

"Now now, ladies, let's not fight, not without mud and bikinis."

"Sirius!" Lily twisted out of her situation and buried her head in his chest.

"I missed you," she whispered, giving his shocked mouth a very obvious kiss in front of the class. There were a few whistles, but none from his own group.

Sirius twisted to see Remus, pulling away from Lily a bit.

"Remmy, what the hell did you _do_?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Remmy, what the hell did you _do?_"

"Of course, blame the nerd! I don't know what happened! I followed all of the instructions! I-I… Oh hell."

"I hate it when you say 'oh hell'. I really and truly hate it."

"James, are you sure it was _your _hair that you gave me to put in the pot?_"_

"Positive," he whispered, looking at Lily with a pained expression.

"Fork over the vial, Padfoot."

Sirius squirmed in Lily's arms, trying to reach his pocket. He was immensely enjoying this, but he wasn't going to let James know that. He rather liked living, after all.

Remus tapped the potion with his wand. "_Revlio." _An image of Sirius appeared on the outside of the bottle.

"Well, I don't see how this… Oh _shit._"

"Now Remus, that's twice as bad as 'oh hell'! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"When you leaned over the pot… When you ran your fingers through your hair…"

"Oh shit." Lily pulled his face around and kissed him again.

"Lily Evans and Sirius black! Separate this instant!" squeaked Professor Flitwick.

"I think we need to take Lily to see Professor Slughorn, sir. Love potion, it seems." said Remus.

"Oh shi- I mean, of course! Go!"

They hurried down to the dungeons. Since Lily refused to take her hands off of Sirius, he had to resort to carrying her. She didn't seem to mind, but James had hellfire in his eyes.

"_Why _would you put your own hair into that potion?"

"It was number sixteen on my 'list of things to do in order to piss James off'!" He snapped.

"It's not Padfoot's fault, and before you can say it, it's not mine either!" said Moony.

"Then who's fault is it?" asked Peter.

"It's Elijah's fault!" James exploded at Elijah Greensburg, a Ravenclaw with a premature beard and mustache.

"What's my fault?"

"EVERYTHING is your fault! Now get to class, Fuzzball!"

"Make me!"

Prongs drew back his fist and Elijah scampered away.

They burst into the potions classroom, scaring a room full of first-years and Professor Slughorn.

"Good heavens, boys! What's wrong?"

"There was an incident with a love potion."

"Oh Lord, that's the fourth time this week! You sixth-years, I swear… Follow me."

They went into his office, Lily giggling like an idiot the whole time.

"Tell me what happened."

"Well, I made the potion, and while it was brewing Sirius leaned over the pot and ran his fingers through his hair. I assume one of his hairs fell into the pot, and therefore the hairs that I put in later had no effect."

"I assume the hairs that were supposed to be added belonged to you, James?"

Prongs blushed and nodded. You know it's bad when the teachers know who your crush is.

"So we were wondering if you could give her an antidote?" Sirius said, soothing Lily as she cried. "You never pay attention to me! I _love _you, Sirikins! Please, just notice me!"

James looked as though lava would start pouring out of his ears, and Peter, Remus and Slughorn tried to smother their giggles.

"I can get you an antidote. I'll be right back." The professor waddled away from the group. Remus chuckled, quietly at first, and then all of the sudden was slapping his knee as he laughed out loud.

"_Why are you laughing?_" James hissed.

"Have any of you read 'A midsummer night's dream' by William Shakespeare?"

"Who's he?"

"A very famous dead fellow. That particular play is about a situation very much like this."

"Oh, so one friend messes up a perfectly good plan and steals his best friend's crush?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Muggles are soooo messed up."

Slughorn came back in, holding a small box. "Lily? Lovely Lily?"

"Yes, sir?" she responded, never taking her eyes off of Sirius.

"If you sprinkle some of this powder on your tongue, Sirius will marry you."

Lily lunged at Slughorn, ripping the box from his hands and beating him over the head with a nearby book.

"Lily! Stop! OW!"

Remus and James grabbed her by the arms and pulled her off of her potions master. Sirius put some of the powder on her tongue, which she accepted graciously.

"So, what day should we-" her eyes glazed over a little bit, and then she shook her head from side to side. "Bloody hell, what happened?"

"Um, well…" Remmy began,

"Some Slytherin kid had the nerve to slip you a love potion with one of _my _hairs in it. James here had the sense to come into professor Slughorn's office. He was just about to go beat the brains out of the kid who did it." Sirius lied smoothly.

"Oh, James, that's so sweet!" Said Lily as she went over to him and kissed him on the cheek. "You're not the manipulative bastard I thought you were!"

"Now, look here, boys-" began professor Slughorn as he tried to rat Sirius out. Padfoot cut him off by holding up the book that Lily had put to such interesting use earlier in a menacing fashion. Old Sluggy had a change of heart and went back to teaching his class.

"We'd best get back to class," said James, who was feeling much better now that he had a beautiful woman kissing his cheek and giving him compliments… Well, actually taking back some of her earlier insults. They walked out of the room, taking their time getting to class.

"Hey, Sirius? Can I have a talk with you in private?"

"Sure. You guys go on, we'll catch up." The two of them walked over to an alcove, and Sirius knew what was coming. This was the _look, I know that it seemed like we had heat earlier, but that was just a potion. I'm not interested in you, so stay away from me _talk.

Lily wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply. Sirius, being caught off-guard, kissed her back. Lily pulled away, looking at him with hooded eyes.

"That potion gave me some courage. I like you, Sirius Black. I have since third year."

Sirius was silent.

"Do you like me back?"

"Lily, James fancies you. He really really REALLY fancies you."

"Answer the question."

He sighed. "Yes, I do."

"Good. I suppose I'll see you around." She walked away, leaving him alone and confused.

"Why do I have to be so damned good-looking?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi… So, I know that I messed a few things up. For instance, I misspelled Hogsmeade, and I named Molly Weasley as a Weasley before she became a Weasley. Let's just assume that Arthur had a really long, drawn-out last name, like Kablabanaquishkaduck, and he took Molly's last name, okay? **

**Sorry it took so long to get this up, I had to go out of town for a while :P Thanks to my reviewers… Please keep it up so I know that I'm actually writing this story for people who will read it ****J **

Sirius walked back to class in a daze. He wasn't sure if he should feel triumphant, mortified, or guilty.

Lily liked him. YAY!

James liked Lily. CRAP!

He was the reason Lily kept rejecting James. SHIT!

He walked into the room, and took his seat next to James cautiously. What would this lead to? He didn't want to hurt his best friend, but if he hurt the girl that his best friend was in love with, his best friend would get mad at him, and he wouldn't have a best friend! Gah!

Prongs seemed to notice that he was on edge. He quickly wrote a note and passed it to him.

_What the hell is wrong with you, Padfoot? You haven't looked like this since Moony's first cycle._

Sirius took up the quill and wrote back: _It's nothing. I'm just worried about midterms… They'll be coming up soon, and we haven't been studying at all._

James looked at him incredulously. _Since when are you responsible? You sound just like Remmy!_

_Is that a bad thing?_

_Not at all… It's just not you._

Sirius shrugged and tried to pay attention to Flitwick. Swish the wand to the left, flick down, counterclockwise circle-

A ball of parchment hit his head. He looked in the direction of the culprit, ready to send a good hex their way, and saw a pair of bright green eyes staring back at him. Lily grinned and subtly waved. He waved back. Remmy noted this, and locked it away in his mind for later inquiry.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, and the marauders returned to the common room after dinner. Remus pulled Sirius off to the side, whispering to him.

"Did the love potion stay in her system."

"Um… not that I'm aware of."

"Then why is Lily acting that way?"

"What way? She seemed normal."

"If she was acting normally, she would have called you a slimy git during charms instead of waving and batting her eyelashes."

"She did not bat her eyelashes!"

"Yes she did!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did TOO!"

"Whatever. You're seeing things, Moony."

"Yes, I'm seeing plenty of things, and most of them are disturbing. Are you trying to take Lily for yourself?"

"No! Remus, you know that I would never do that to James."

"Then why is this happening?"

"Because Lily's fancied me since third year!" he blurted. Moony's eyes widened.

"How do you know?"

"She told me. She told me right after she kissed me. And that _wasn't _under the influence of the potion."

"Well, what do we do now?"

"How should I know? You're the criminal mastermind!"

"I'm just a bookworm! I'm just a big, fluffy, howling bookworm! So unless they've written a book on-" he stopped abruptly, and then got his _Oh-I've-got-an-idea-bow-down-and-worship-my-brilliance _look. "I'll be right back. Don't move!" Remmy ran out of the common room, undoubtedly going to the library. Sirius sat in one of the overstuffed chairs and waited for a good fifteen minutes before he saw his friends with a bunch of books in his arms. Wait… Not books.

Magazines. _Pink _magazines. With pictures of some man named Shawn Cassidy.

"What in the name of Merlin's saggy left arse-cheek are those?"

"Teeny-bopper magazines! I found them in the muggle studies section!"

"And why are you carrying them?"

"Well, these have a bunch of relationship tips inside of them! I figure, if they work for girls, they can work for us, too!"

"You do realize that if anyone saw you with those you'd be called a poofter?"

"Which is why we'll be studying them in our dorm. Come on."

Sirius put his robes on top of the magazines, just in case James and Peter weren't asleep yet. He was right in doing so, because James was reading a book on how to control anger.

"What are you two doing?"

"Remus lost a bet with me, and now he has to be my slave for three days. He has to carry my robes, my books, my wand… And he also has to massage my feet." He looked over at Moony, who was giving him the death stare.

"That's nice." James went back to his book. The two boys climbed onto Sirius' bed, drawing the curtains around them and casting a silencing charm.

"_Lumos. _Okay, where do you want to start?" Remus asked, spreading the magazines out.

"How about this one? _How to tell if he's 'The One'…_ Lord, I know I'll regret this."

They read. And they read. And… They…_ Read._

"So _that's _why I can't stay in a relationship! I'm too forward, which makes girls uncomfortable!"

"I've been telling you that for years, Sirius. And _honestly, _who does this woman think she is? Paisley is _so _last season."

"And what is with those shoes? She's at a movie premiere, not a disco!"

They looked at each other for a long time, and then began to chant.

"Fast brooms! Girls in bikinis! Pork rinds! Farts! Belches! I am a man! I am a man!"

"Hey, look at this! _How you can tell him that you're not interested without breaking his heart! _We can use this!"

"Tell him you're interested in someone else, and that you don't want conflicting emotions as a result! I can tell her that I'm interested in Alice and I don't want to hurt her! She'll believe that, right?"

"Yeah, but you're at risk for getting your limbs ripped off by Frank."

"I'd rather face Frank than James. Now get out of my bed, you scoundrel, and take these magazines with you!"

Moony grinned and climbed out, leaving Sirius to sleep peacefully.

The next day he woke up with a smile on his face. He would talk to Lily at breakfast and tell her that he was too interested in Alice, that he had already made advances towards her, and he didn't want to seem like a complete git.

He strode into the Great Hall, his head held high. Lily came up to him and smiled.

"Hello, Sirius. Fine day, isn't it?"

"Why yes, Lily, it is. I need to talk to you-" Alice ran up to Lily and squealed.

"Frank asked me out! Frank asked me out, Lily!"

"I told you he'd come to his senses!" They danced around a bit and hugged each other. Sirius went very pale.

"Now, what did you need to talk to me about?"

"Er… it can wait." He walked over to his seat and sank down, wishing that he could disappear.

"Remus, can I see that book?"

"Sure." He handed him a thick tome. Sirius beat himself on the head with it.

"Whoa, Padfoot!"

"Kill me! Moony, please, KILL ME!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey there, beautiful people! Again, sorry for the delay… The only excuse that I have is laziness. Please please PLEASE review, mmkay?**

**-Love,**

**The amazing Grippo**

**Special thanks to Turbowiz70, Stay Next To Me, and 340997394 for reviewing!**

"Kill me, Moony!"

"I bloody well won't kill you! Watching you suffer is too much fun!"

"Thanks."

"Seriously though, what are you going to do?"

Sirius looked down the table at Lily. She smiled at him, and he smiled back at her, hoping that she couldn't see just how torn he was. He loved her to death, but so did James… And it was part of the Marauder's creed to not steal someone else's girl unless it was part of a prank.

"A prank!"

"What prank? We have five to pull off this week."

"No, Remmy, good man, we tell Lily that if she wants to date me, she has to do a prank with us! Then, while we're sneaking about after dark, I'll disguise myself as James, pull her into a closet, and confess that I love her with all my heart!"

"And how will you disguise yourself as James?"

"We still have some polyjuice potion left over from that prank on Professor McGonagall, right?"

"Yes, and she still doesn't like the fact that we found out about her crush on Dumbledore…"

"Oh, everyone knew it anyway! But yes, this plan is foolproof!"

"So was the plan that wound up setting my underpants on fire."

"Will you _please _let that one go?"

"Okay, what about the 'foolproof plan' that gave us all poison ivy?"

"It didn't itch that badly…"

"Or the one that turned Peter into a surfboard?"

"He loved every minute of it."

"What about-"

"_Shut up, Moony! _This one will work. I promise you!"

"That's what you said when-"

"Goodbye." He got up and went over to Lily.

"Salutations, M'lady! And how are you on this fine morning?"

"I'm just fine, sir, and how are you?"

"Well, I was wondering if you would mind having a private conversation with me?"

"Of course," She giggled. She got up and left her friends behind, and when he looked back to his section of the table, he saw James looking at him suspiciously.

Sirius pulled her into an alcove much like the one she had kissed him in. She apparently thought that this was becoming some strange tradition, because she pulled Sirius into her arms and started snogging him. Sirius_, _being, well, Sirius, kissed her back with amazing expertise. She noted this, and she appeared to be enjoying it immensely. Padfoot pulled away reluctantly. _Always leave them wanting more, _he told himself.

"Lily," He started, leaning back from her so that he could look into her eyes, "Do you want to date me?"

"Oh, yes, Sirius!" she said as she leaned in for another kiss. He pushed her back gently with two of his fingers, earning a pout.

"Then you have to go through initiation."

"Initiation? What the hell are you talking about?"

"It's part of the Marauder's creed. Any official girlfriends that we have must go through initiation and become a Corsair, which means that you're basically a female Marauder."

"And what do I have to do in order to achieve this status?"

"You have to pull a prank with Remus and me."

"What? No."

Sirius groaned and put his forehead against Lily's. "You want us to be together, don't you?" he whispered.

She closed her eyes and breathed in his scent. "Yes."

"Great, then. I'll see you tonight at one in the common room." he gave her a peck on the cheek and left her to her own devices.

"OUCH!" James yelped as Sirius pulled out some of his hair. "Charna's guts, man! Are you trying to pull me bald?"

"No, I just need a few good pieces for some polyjuice potion."

"And what are you going to be looking like me for?"

"I'm just going to put it in the storage cupboards in our dorm, should we need it."

"But, why not pull the hair out when you need it?"

"Don't procrastinate so much, James!" Sirius huffed as he turned on his heel and stomped up to their room, where Remus was waiting with a hip-flask.

"You do it… I don't want a repeat of last time."

"Yeah, then you'd look like yourself! How disgusting!"

"Oh, shut up, you overgrown Chihuahua!"

Remus added the short, black hairs to the flask, them screwed the lid on and shook it up.

"Right, so you're going to pull away, say that you have to go to the bathroom or something like that, and we say that we'll wait for you. Then I disappear, and you come back, looking like James, pull her into a closet, confess your love for her, give her a good thorough snogging, and we're home free, right?"

"Exactly."

"But… Why can't I be disguised as James?"

"Because I'm the better kisser."

"How do you know? You haven't kissed me before, now have you?"

"No, and I don't plan to."

"So we'll never know."

"The girls say that I'm a great kisser."

"Because those girls haven't kissed me."

"You've never even kissed a girl, Remmy!"

"Yes I have!"

"Who, then?"

"Um… uh… Well, she goes to Beauxbatons…"

"Right. Sure. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I didn't get my first kiss until I was eleven."

"That's it! Follow me!" Moony grinned in a devilish manner and walked back toward the common room, placing the flask in his robes. He strode over to the couch where Molly Weasley was sitting, grabbed her face with his hands, and gave her a big old smooch in front of half of Gryffindor.

"Go Remus!"

"Get it, Lupin!"

Molly had her eyes wide open, and she was feebly trying to push Remus away, but after a few more seconds her eyes shut and her body went limp.

"Hey! Get off of her, you prat!" Called Arthur Kablabanaquishkaduck. Everyone knew that he had a crush on Molly… Except Molly.

Her eyes snapped open again and she pushed Remus off of her. Her lips were swollen, and she looked at Arthur frantically. "Arthur! He threw himself at me, I swear!" Ah, Molly reciprocated the feelings. Interesting.

"I saw! You'd best wise up and keep away from her, Lupin, or I swear I'll hex off a part of your anatomy that's very dear to you!"

"Relax, Arthur, we were just trying to figure out if Remmy was a good kisser. Judging by Molly dear's reaction, I'd say that he is." Sirius chuckled.

Molly got up and slapped the both of them, leaving matching red marks on their faces. She took Arthur's hand and led him away.

"How come whenever _you _do that you don't get slapped?"

"Because it's expected of me. If I don't, they assume that I've been possessed by the spirit of some prude."

It was 12:57, and James was still awake. When Remus and Sirius decided that they couldn't wait any longer, they got up and put some robes on.

"Where are you two going?"

"Alaska. Go to sleep, James."

"I'm not tired!"

"_Again _with all of the rotten procrastination! Learn to get ahead of the schedule, Prongs!"

"Just tell me where you're going, please!"

"Whoa!" Lupin looked at James with wide eyes. "Did you just say the P word?"

"Don't act so shocked, Remus!"

"You haven't said the P word since third year! Are you running a temperature?" Remmy placed his hand on James's forehead, which got him a kick in the ribs and a mumbled "Gerroff!"

"James, I'm so very sorry about this. _Petrificus_ _Totalus_!" Sirius whispered. James went stiff, but his eyes were rolling around like mad.

"Okay," said Remmy as he handed Sirius the flask, "let's go."

They tiptoed down to the common room, and there stood Lily in her low-cut pink nightgown. It was made of either satin or silk, but either way it made the boys mentally drool a little bit.

"You're four minutes late."

"Sorry dear, Remmy had to put his make-up on. Shall we?" he held out his arm to her. She took it, beaming at him, and Remus followed closely behind them.

**Anyone who can guess where the term "Charna's guts" came from gets the next chapter dedicated to them!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello, people of Earth! Sorry for the delay again. This time my computer crashed and I lost EVERYTHING. Yeah, it sucks. Anyway, please review. It makes me smile :)**

**This chapter is dedicated to 340997394 and Hivedragon for guessing where "Charna's guts" came from. Yes, it's from Cirque Du Freak by Darren Shan :D I love not being the only Shanster on the Harry Potter section.**

**Special thanks to Stay Next To Me, TurboWiz70, and super16simone for reviewing!**

**-Love,**

**The amazing Grippo**

Sirius, Remmy and Lily were stalking about the castle, heading towards the charms room. They had told Lily that they would be enchanting the classroom so that the first person to enter would be turned into a frog. She was terrified at the thought of hexing a teacher, but she would have done anything to go out with Sirius. This made him swell with pride a little bit, though he'd never let anyone know that. After all, he was Gryffindor's player. This was supposed to be old hat for him.

They approached the point that Remmy had designated as 'Point snog', and Sirius smiled at what Remus had said earlier.

"If anything goes wrong, I'll be snogging her myself. Just thought you ought to know."

He sincerely hoped that nothing went wrong. Lily was very good at kissing.

"Guys, you're going to hate me, but I have to go to the bathroom." he whispered.

"What the hell, Padfoot? Why didn't you go before we came?" Remus asked, saying his lines perfectly.

"I can't control my bladder! Turn your lights out so you don't attract attention. I'll be right back!" He snuck off to the nearest bathroom and pulled the flask out of his robes. He took a deep breath, and then downed the whole thing. This should last him for about an hour, maybe less. He saw his skin start to bubble, and then he felt it hit him. Polyjuice potion was damned useful, but it was even worse than transforming into his animagus form. He felt his bones crack, felt his skin stretch and his stomach churned. When he was fairly sure it was over, he stood up straight and looked at himself in the mirror. The glass must have been fogged up. He wiped his hand across the glass, but it was still blurry.

Wait... His vision was blurry! James had glasses, and he didn't!

He stumbled around the bathroom, trying to find the door. He finally fell out onto the floor in the hallway, his cheek making contact with the stone floor.

"Sirius? Is that you?" He heard Lily's voice somewhere near him. He relied on his hearing alone, and when he heard a swish of fabric next to him he grabbed it and spun toward the closet. Lily slammed the door, and then started snogging Sirius passionately. It was funny… He hadn't expected Lily to come on to him. He thought that he would be taking her by surprise.

Whoa, Lily had gotten even better at kissing! She was exploring his mouth with her tongue, nipping at his bottom lip with her teeth every now and then. He used all of his knowledge on the matter, putting everything he had into this. He wanted to make Prongs look good, after all. Lily noticed his new intensity and matched it, causing his head to spin slightly. After a few more moments every thought of James was out of his mind. Right now, there was only him and Lily, with her skilled lips, exploring tongue, and her peppermint-enhanced breath.

All of the sudden, his mouth stopped moving. Lily was allergic to peppermint.

He pulled away slowly, and then used his hands to feel the chest of the person in front of him.

"Remmy?"

"Sirius? Oh no!"

The door opened, and Lily Evans saw a very peculiar sight in the dim light cast by her wand. Remus Lupin had his arms around the neck of James Potter, and their lips were swollen. They looked at her with wide eyes, looking back to each other with their mouths hanging open.

"Merlin! I-I'm so sorry!" She slammed the door and ran away.

They stared at each other for a moment, and then began wiping their lips off, coughing and spitting.

"Now Remus, I know that you can't help but love me, but unfortunately I go for the fairer sex."

"I thought you were Lily, dumbass!"

"The last time I checked, Lily had long, red hair, green eyes, and, hmm, what else was it? Oh, yeah, BOOBS!"

"It was dark, and I had my eyes squinted! What's your excuse?"

"James needs glasses, and I don't have them!"

"Damn, I forgot about that."

"Really? It had completely escaped my notice. By the way, you were right."

"About what?"

"You're one hell of a kisser, Remmy. Did you practice on pillows all these years?"

"Get off!" He said, pushing Sirius out of the closet. They would never be able to look at this place without puking again.

"Well, now Lily thinks that James is gay. Congratulations, Sirius! You've once again managed to screw things up!"

"What do you mean? She has nothing against it."

"Yes, but she isn't exactly male, so if she thinks he's gay, she won't even attempt to go out with him!"

Sirius thought for a little bit, and then said a few words that Remus never thought he'd hear.

"I think we should tell her the truth."

"ACH! I've heard the T word AND the P word in the same night! Are you and James becoming _gentlemen?_ What brought on this change?"

"Lily. What else?"

"Right. Come on, we'd better find her." said Remmy as he pulled out the map. She was in the common room again. They quickly navigated up to the Gryffindor tower, and as they went they heard what sounded an awful lot like snogging. They had no idea who would be out this late in the Hufflepuff area, so they quieted their steps and looked around the corner. At first, all they saw was a pair of pale hands embedded in a head of blond curls, but as they adjusted they were able to make out the people.

It was Rita Skeeter and Severus Snape.

Sirius' jaw dropped, and when he turned to Remmy, they both fell to the floor, laughing loudly. Snape and Rita pulled apart, and little Snivellus pulled out his wand.

"What are you two doing?"

"We might ask you the same question, if it weren't obvious. All right there, Rita?"

"Shut up, Potter," she sneered, pushing her oversized glasses up her nose a little further, "don't you have anything better to do?"

"Yes, actually, but everyone needs amusement in these troubled times, wouldn't you agree?"

"I'm going to turn you in, Potter," said Snape as he grinned, "You and Lupin will be in detention until doomsday!"

"Sure, you do that. Then you can tell Dumbledore about how you came across us. I'm sure he'd love to hear all about it." Remmy replied. Severus blushed and dropped his wand back down to his side.

"So, does Lily-flower know about this little relationship of yours?"

"I don't report to her, why should I? I have someone better than Lily."

"Ah, better. So the girl with nothing but gossip and menace in her head, approximately eighty-five pounds of make-up on, and glasses that look like two of Big Ben's faces is an upgrade?"

"Oh, you'll both pay for that. When I'm a famous journalist, you'll never be able to show your faces in Britain again!"

"Journalism? Is that the new word for lying about decent people?"

She exhaled sharply, and then turned on her heel and left. Snape cast one last dirty look at the both of them, and then stalked after her. Seeing that their work was done, they continued toward the common room.

They woke the Fat Lady up, and she was none too happy about it.

"What are you two doing out so late?"

"Dragon Balls."

She grumbled a little bit and then let them in. They saw that Lily had already retired for the evening, and then they went up to their dorm. James was still there, eyes trembling with fury, and Peter was snoring. Sirius flicked his wand at James, who immediately started punching the air.

"What in the name of every holy thing in the forsaken universe did you do _that for?"_

"Do what? Go to sleep, James."

Their friend spluttered a bit, but when he saw that he was going to get nothing out of his two best friends, he sighed and went to sleep. Little did they all know that Lily was having a very disturbing dream about two boys kissing... And was enjoying it immensely.

**Well, there you go :-) I suppose I should give you all fair warning: I'll be starting school in about four days, so my updating is going to take a lot longer than usual. I won't be able to stay up until three a.m. typing and reading anymore (dammit Jim) because apparently I need this thing called sleep to properly function… I personally think it's a bunch of hokum, but I'm going to give it a shot. I love you guys! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi there… I'm back with another chapter, so please review? You guys seriously don't know how happy it makes me when you do that. Think of a bird with a French fry. That's how happy I get.**

** This chapter is dedicated to my best friend T. She's always been there for me, throughout every single step of my insane life. She's also one of the best writers on the planet. Turbowiz70... Check her out, or the quails will eat you. O.O **

**Anyway, thank you to all of my reviewers and everyone who put this on story alert! I love you!**

**-Sincerely,**

**The amazing Grippo**

Sirius awoke to James shaking him.

"Is there a fire?" he asked. James shook his head and said "No."

"Is there a flood?"

"No."

"Is there a hot girl in the room?"

"Not to my knowledge."

"Then get the hell off! I need my beauty rest!"

"I was just wondering why you looked like me when you came in last night?"

"Have you been tapping into the fire whiskey again?"

"Not at all. You looked just like me. You took my hair for polyjuice potion earlier, and for some reason you needed to look like me last night. I want to know why."

Sirius sighed and sat up, looking James dead in the eye. "I was with Lily."

"What?"

"Remus and I went with Lily. I was trying to convince her that she wanted you, not me."

"You're talking as if she _does _want you."

"Well, considering that she's been snogging me quite often and now thinks that you're gay-"

Sirius felt a white hot pain across the bridge of his nose as James punched him in the face. He howled and sent a kick at Prongs' ribs.

"Oi!" cried Remmy as he jumped out of his own bed. Sirius' nose was bleeding furiously, and James… well, If there was one thing that could have made the devil run in fear, it was the way James looked right now. His face was red with anger, his eyes were blazing, and his teeth were bared.

"You traitorous son of a bitch!" he bellowed, "How _dare _you! You could have had any other girl in this whole damned school, and yet you went after _her_! What happened to the creed? What happened to trust? Worse yet, what happened to friendship!" He said as he threw a lamp across the room. There was a whimper as it hit a place not too far from the now-awake Peter.

"You _swore, _Padfoot! You _swore _to me that you wouldn't be like the rest of your family! And yet you're acting just like them!"

"_Don't you dare say those words to me, James Potter! _These past few days I've been thinking of how to get one of the most beautiful girls in the world to get away from me, so that she could go out with you! No one in my family would ever dream of doing something like that! So yes, call me a traitor, call me a liar, throw whatever you want at me, but don't you even _think _that I'm _anything _like my family!" yelled Sirius, trying to stifle the river of blood with his sleeve. James' face softened a bit, and he stopped throwing things.

"You've been… you've been trying to-"

"Get Lily to stop making advances towards me? Yes, I have. I've lost quite a bit of sleep over it, and so has Remus. From the love potion, to lying, to disguising myself as you to kiss her, I've been thinking of your feelings this whole time, you prat."

James sat on his own bed and put his head in his hands. "I'm sorry, Sirius."

"I am too, but I can't help being so good-looking. Apparently that anger management book isn't helping you all that much."

"Shut it," he said halfheartedly. He looked up at them with sad eyes.

"So, why does Lily think that I'm gay?"

Sirius and Remmy looked at each other, and then looked back to James, blushing. When they finished telling the story, James was on the floor, rolling, with tears coming down his face as he laughed.

"I always knew that the two of you were a bit fruity!"

"IT WAS DARK!" They both yelled.

"Ah, denial, the first sign of love."

"Go to hell." They both said. They looked at each other and squinted.

"They're on the same thought pattern, James. Should I make wedding arrangements?" interjected Peter. James cracked up again, and Remmy finally just left the room, heading toward the showers. Sirius smirked.

"You do realize that I looked like you while that happened? Therefore, Remus actually made out with you, not me."

James stopped laughing and threw a dirty look at Sirius.

There was a timid knock at the door. "Sirius?" said the muffled voice of Lily Evans. "Can I come in?"

"Keep cool," he whispered to James. "Yeah, come in, Lily!" he called. She entered the room in the same nightgown that she wore last night. James and Peter, having not seen it before, had a good, long look. Somehow, this went unnoticed by her.

"What happened to you last night?" she demanded.

"I got sick to my stomach. Ate some bad haggis, I think. I'm very sorry."

"It's alright." She looked over at James and blushed a little bit. "Look, James, I haven't told anyone, and I don't plan to."

Prongs' gaze flickered over to Sirius for a moment. "I appreciate your discretion," he said slowly.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know."

"Yeah, I know. Remus isn't that way, you know. I came onto him."

Sirius stared at James with wide eyes. What the hell was he doing?

"Really? Well, that disproves most of the rumors about him, then."

Oooh, blackmail material!

"He's straight. He thought I was you, actually." She blushed a little.

"Okay, then. So, I was wondering if I could talk to you alone for a bit?"

"Sure. He followed her out of the room, casting a look over his shoulder that simply screamed _I know what I'm doing, don't you dare screw this up. _

Sirius laid back in bed, contemplating the meaning of the universe… Okay, he was formulating a plan to get into some girl's knickers. After a while he heard what sounded a lot like laughter. _Happy laughter. _Not the nervous laughter that happened when you barfed on someone's shoes or someone accidentally drank your pee (again, that plan was foolproof, and it was not his fault).

James returned to the room, a goofy smile on his face.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"What did you talk about?"

"We talked about how we're going shopping in Hogsmeade this weekend."

Peter and Sirius looked at each other for a while, then burst out laughing. James huffed, puffing out his chest.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing, except that you think that Hawaiian print shirts go brilliantly with dress shoes and a tuxedo jacket."

"One: everyone loved that outfit at the dance, and two: don't you see what a marvelous plan I have brought together? I will weasel my way into Lily's life, become her best friend, and then PABOOM! I'll tell her that I'm not gay, and by then I'll be so close to her, that she'll ask ME out! It's-"

"Don't you dare say the F word in my presence, Prongs!" shouted Remmy as he walked into the room, slicking his wet hair back.

"What? Foolproof?"

"Gah! I swear to Bob that word's jinxed."

"You swear to who now?"

"Bob. You know, like, Bob? That one guy."

"Oh, that one guy that we saw in-"

"That one place, yeah, that's the bloke."

"When we stop talking about imaginary Bob people, we need to give James some fashion advice. And when I say 'we' Remmy, I mean you." said Sirius.

"Bob is real! Anyway, James, you should really stick to black dress pants, a white button-up shirt, Italian shoes, and a tie. The shirt should be partially-"

"_Female _fashion, Remmy."

"What? How would I know anything about female fashion?" there was a long pause. Remus sighed. "Okay. Suede should only be worn in cool weather. Be careful when mixing metals. One should never wear all black, unless you're at a funeral or it's a little black dress. Two different prints at the same time is a BIG no-no. Floral is bad for our age group unless it's very -"

"Wait up!" Said James as he jotted down a few notes. "How do you know all of this, anyway?"

"I watch the girls in the hallway more than you might think."

"You do realize that you can now dress her up in pretty much any way that you want, right?" said Sirius. James grinned.

"Yep. And this means low-cut tops, shorts skirts, and leather. SO much leather."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Not unless you're going to a biker rally. A leather jacket is as far as you can go while still being stylish."

They carried on this conversation for a good while before going down to breakfast. When they arrived, they saw someone in Ravenclaw robes sitting at their table next to Hannah, Molly, Lily and Heather.

"Well, a Ravenclaw at the Gryff-" James stopped short when he saw that it was Elijah Greensburg.

"Look, I'm really sorry-"

"It's alright. I know you were having a bad day." He grinned lopsidedly. James smiled back, and they took their seats.

"So, what are you doing over here?"

"I've been friends with Heather and Hannah for a few years now."

"Yes, O Fluffy one, and I've enjoyed every minute of it, despite the fact that you abuse me."

He smacked her on the arm, and the sound could be heard throughout the Great Hall. "I do not abuse you!"

"OW!"

"Hey Elijah, look at this article in my magazine! 'Guys with ponytails; stylish or just wrong?'" Hannah said, handing it over to him.

"I'm going with stylish. He looks great with one." Heather said as she twirled his curly hair around her finger.

"I don't know, I think he needs to cut it off."

"Over my dead body!"

"Hey, you crazy broads! It's my hair, and I chose to keep it."

"YEAH!" Heather jumped up and twirled around. Sirius looked over to James and turned his finger in a circle around his temple.

"I'm not insane! I'm just a little kookoo in the cranium!"

"Hey Heather, what's the square root of pi?" Molly asked.

"1.7724-"

"You see, she's smart as hell, and yet she acts like an imbecile!"

"Who are you calling an im-bo-sial? Here Fluffy, have a banana. It's full of potassium. It's the color of sunshine. Therefore, it's the happiest fruit in the world! And I think Richard agrees."

"Who's Richard?" Remmy asked, looking up and down the table.

"It's Fluffy's mustache, silly! He shaved it off, and then he grew it back. That implied that he loved it, so I named it. I mean, I can't love something without a name!"

"But… why would you name a mustache _Richard_? Why not Phil? Or Greg? Or Dwayne?"

"Phil is my imaginary friend, Greg is my uncle, and Dwayne is my toothbrush. Plus, it just looked like a Richard." She leaned down and sniffed Elijah. "You smell like berries. Have you eaten berries today?"

"No I haven't, Heather. And why do you sniff me everyday?"

"Because you always smell like stuff you haven't been around. It intrigues me."

"It's called cologne."

"Cologne does not smell like berries and beef jerky!"

"It does in my world!" He got up and went after Hannah, who was heading to the other end of the table.

"I gave you a banana sir! Sit, sir, sit!" Heather shouted. Elijah shok his head and walked away. Heather sank down into her seat, scowling at her eggs. She pushed them aside, and then pulled something out of her purse.

"Don't tell me you're still eating those things;" Lily groaned.

"Until I reach a size six, yes, I am." She said, taking a bite out of a yellow bar.

"What is that?" James asked.

"It's something of my own invention. It's packed with protein, so it fills you up, but it only has one- hundred -and -seventy calories!"

"She eats three of those a day, because she thinks she's fat." Molly said, rolling her eyes.

"You're not fat," said Sirius. Sure, the girl was a bit chunky, and her hair was frizzy, and her teeth were weird, but she wasn't _that _bad.

"Thank you for lying. It doesn't change anything. Oh well, I'm off to join Elijah. Later ya'll!" she skipped off.

Sirius looked at Lily strangely.

"She's an exchange student from Salem. She's Tara Barkwood's best friend, remember her? She's in Ravenclaw."

"I thought Heather and Elijah were best friends?"

"Oh no! She and Tara are thick as thieves. Compared, she treats Elijah like a stranger."

"She sniffs him daily and names his facial hair!"

"Yeah. She's odd."

"I gathered that."

"Anyway, James and I are going to Hogsmeade this weekend. Do you guys want to come?"

"Sure." Remus, Sirius and Peter all nodded.

"Lupin, can I speak with you?" asked Molly. Remmy nodded cautiously and got up, following Molly out of the hall.

…...

After breakfast, they went into transfiguration. Remus came into the room, five minutes late, with his hair ruffled.

After class, Sirius went up to Remus, and demanded to know what happened.

"Molly… she… she-"

"Spit it out, man!"

"She snogged me. And she did a bit more, too."

Sirius burst out laughing, and clapped Remmy on the back. "Did you two shag?"

"No! No, but- that look in her eyes… I'm pretty sure she wanted to."

Sirius stopped short. "Remmy?"

"Yeah?"

"What about Arthur?"

Remus' smile faded.

"Oh shit."


	7. Chapter 7

I really really REALLY feel bad about not updating in so long, but I swear my teachers got together and decided that I had to be working 24/7 for the duration of my educational career. I personally blame Elijah. EVERYTHING is Elijah's fault.

Major thanks to TurboWiz70, Hivedragon, 340997394, super16simone, danzori, Call Me Bitter, Nighlight753, Your favorite reader D, and sappheiros for reviewing. You guys should TOTALLY keep doing that, because it provides motivation and self-confidence for me :0)

I'm running a little bit low on inspiration for this story, so please leave a comment or send me a message if you have a suggestion :D I think I'll shut up and write, shall I?

Remus was hitting his head up against the stone wall again and again.

"We're going to be late for class, Remmy! Will you please stop wallowing in self pity?"

"Why? I like Molly. Arthur likes Molly. Molly likes me. Molly likes Arthur."

"I think I gathered that much."

"So what do I do?"

"Tell her that you're not interested?"

"She might have sorta kinda gotten the impression that I was very interested…"

"How so?"

"I might have told her that she was the most amazing woman I had ever seen."

"You're in deep doo-doo."

"Really?" he asked bitterly, walking briskly down the hallway.

"Why don't you just date her? She and Arthur aren't official."

"Because I just have this feeling that Molly and Arthur are meant to be together."

"Oh, please. Can you imagine the two of them married, with children?"

Remmy laughed. "No, I can't. I don't think they would have any kids, but they're meant for each other. I can feel it."

"Seriously though, Molly as a mother? I would hate to be one of those kids."

"Anyone would. Now, we really need to figure out how to fix things."

"Potions?"

"Right, because that worked so well the last two times. No, this requires politics. I'm going to go to the library after class."

"No more magazines! I'm still recovering from the last time."

"Never again. _Ever."_ He said as he stomped off. Sirius shrugged and walked down the hallway, singing loudly.

"_I've been thinking about our fortune, And I've decided that we're really not to blame, For the love that's deep inside us now, Is still the same. And the sounds we make together Is the music to the story in your eyes, It's been shining down upon me now, I realize_." Several people were looking at him strangely, and a few girls were swooning. Heather popped up next to him out of nowhere and started to sing with him.

"_Listen to the tide slowly turning, Wash all our heartaches away. We're part of the fire that is burning, And from the ashes we can build another day!"_

"No flipping way!" Sirius said as he spun around to her.

"What?" she said, her eyes widening.

"You like the Moody Blues?"

"I've been to one of their concerts! I'm surprised you even know who they are, being a pure-blood and all."

"I listen to them to make my mother angry. I've never been able to see them in concert, but I'd love to."

"I'll be going to another one at Christmas. It's in London, so you can come with me, if you want to."

"Who are you going with?"

"Tara Barkwood and her parents."

"Will they mind if I join you?"

"The more the merrier!"

"Sweet! Thank you, Heather!"

"Not a problem. You have astronomy next, right?"

"Yeah."

"I honestly don't get it. I mean, it's just a bunch of shiny dots in the sky to me."

"I could tutor you, I suppose."

"Oh, would you? That's my worst subject."

"Meet me in the common room after our classes are over."

"Will do. Buh-bye!" she said as she skipped away. Sirius just shook his head. What sixteen-year-old girl _skipped_?

"Heavy Heather!" his classmates shouted after her as she made her way to the astronomy tower. Sirius looked at the people who were making fun of her, and was shocked to find that several people engaged in the activity were girls that he had snogged. Why did they have to be so hateful?

"Heavy Heather, in foul weather her hair frizzes at all sides! With her strange teeth she's a foul beast which no man will ever ride!" they sang to the tune of Mistress Mary. Sirius could still see the back of her, and he saw that she was no longer skipping. She had her head dipped low, and her steps became very slow as she ascended the staircase. Their chanting got louder and louder, and this made Sirius very angry and nervous. What should he do? He couldn't just let her go on this way, being taunted and tormented, but if he defended her his popularity would be at stake. He finally said "To hell with it" and said at the top of his lungs:

"Oi! Listen here, you bastards! Go ahead and make fun of her! Taunt her and laugh at her all you want! But let me tell you this: Anyone who does is going to wake up one morning tied to the ceiling, painted blue, with a firecracker shoved up their arse!"

Everyone saw the steel in his eyes, and instantly knew that he meant business. One of the main rules of Hogwarts was that you _never _messed with a Marauder, and everyone thought it best to abide by that rule today.

Sirius picked up his pace, occasionally glaring at some of the girls that he'd dated. He caught up to her and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Thanks!" She said as she gave him a wide smile. How was she so happy all of the time?

"No problem. How long have they been doing this to you?"

"At this school? Five years. Everywhere else? Thirteen years, give or take. They're just jealous of my swagger!" she said as she struck a pose. Sirius couldn't help but laugh at her.

"Why haven't we talked if you've been here for five years?"

"Because you're normally in the corner with some bimbo whenever I go by." She stated bluntly.

"Oh." He said, feeling quite stupid.

"Yeah. Oh well, life goes on."

"What's your last name?" he blurted. She stopped in front of the door to the tower.

"What?"

"What's your last name? I feel so stupid for not knowing."

"My full name is Heather Lalaith Weisstein."

"That's quite a mouthful. I don't know if I can remember that. Where did Lalaith come from, anyway?"

"My dad's a big Tolkien fan. It's elvish for laughter."

"That fits." he said.

Astronomy was spent talking about where the two people came from, what home-life was like, and what their best subjects were. Sirius was very surprised to find that Heather was gifted in potions.

"I loath potions. All of that measuring and stirring? It's enough to drive one mad."

"I think it's fascinating. Before I found out that I was a witch, I used to make my own out of pond water and leaves, pretending that I was some powerful being that could cure sickness and rid the world of evil. The happiest day of my life was the day I got that letter." She smiled at the memory. The two of them laughed softly for a good while, and Remus watched them, calculating every gesture and move that they made.

Remmy waited outside of the classroom for Sirius and Heather. His jaw dropped when he saw the two hug each other. Sirius kissed, fondled, and squeezed, but Remmy had never seen him _hug_ a girl willingly.

Sirius walked over to him. "Have you worked anything out?"

"No, I'm still really confused." He said, arching his eyebrow at his friend.

"What?"

"Nothing. I think I'm just going to date Molly. Why not, right?"

"Okay, but I'm putting up a ward against Arthur on the dorm."

"Feel free. She's a fantastic person, and it's his own fault for not asking her sooner."

"Go for it, then!" He said as he pointed at Molly. Remus threw back his shoulders and strode over to her.

"Molly?" he asked, his voice full of confidence.

"Yes, Remus?"

"Will-" he stopped short, and his eyes widened.

"Yes?"

"Will-will you please help me with that transfiguration essay? I'm stuck."

"Sure." She said, and walked away. Remmy walked over to Sirius, and they started towards the charms classroom. Sirius smirked and chuckled in his throat.

"What?"

"Chickenshit."

"Shut up!"


	8. Chapter 8

**Buenos dias! Bonjour! Salutations! Howdy!**

**So, I'm back after drawing inspiration from my very best friend/sister and listening to Weird Al Yankovic until I cried. The song "One More Minute"…. Pure poetry. **_**I'd rather clean out all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station, with my tongue, than spend one more minute with you. **_**I swear, if it wasn't illegal, I'd marry that man in a heartbeat.**

**Here it is! Hugs, kisses and unicorn farts to all of you who reviewed and put this on story alert! (FYI, unicorn farts are GOOD things)**

Sirius strolled into the common room, and Heather was already there with an astronomy book in her lap.

"You ready?" he asked.

"Yeah. What do you want to start with?"

"Let's cover the constellations that I know best… Starting with Canis Major."

"Naturally, because it contains the star _Sirius._"

"Exactly." He said as he took a seat next to her. Gryffindor girls were looking at the display with a mixture of horror, jealousy and disgust. Sirius narrowed his eyes and put his arm around Heather's shoulders. She didn't respond to this, acting like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Perfect.

"Now, Sirius, known in ancient Egypt as _Sopdet_ , is recorded in the earliest astronomical records. During the era of the Middle Kingdom, Egyptians based their calendar on the heliacal rising of Sirius. It was identified with the great goddess Isis, who formed a part of a trinity with her husband Osiris and their son Horus, while the heliacal period symbolized the passing of Isis and Osiris through the _duat_, or the Egyptian underworld."

"You know about ancient Egypt?" she jumped slightly.

"Yeah, I love it. Any culture with pictures of half naked women painted on their walls is all right with me."

"I live for the history and mythology. I've studied it independently for years. I begged my parents to let me change my name to Nefertari, but alas, no."

This chick knew who Nefertari was?

"Were you hoping you'd get married to Ramesses II?"

"Oh yes." She giggled. "And then everyone would bow down to my Queenly Queenliness."

They bantered back and forth about her authority until midnight, not noticing that everyone else had gone to bed.

"Sirius?"

"Mmph?"

"I think you're tired."

"Why in the name of Bach would you think that?"

"Because you have your face buried in my lap, and you were snoring a few moments ago."

Sirius looked up. He had, indeed, fallen asleep on her skirt.

"Sorry."

"Don't worry about it. I'm just glad that it's Saturday tomorrow."

"Crap!" he groaned, pulling himself up.

"That's not the normal teenage response to a Saturday. Is something wrong?"

"I have to go to Hogsmeade with my people."

"You have several people, how many are going?"

"Most of them. James and Lily are going shopping, and the rest of us are going with them."

"Didn't James wear a bow-tie with a t-shirt?"

"Yes, yes he did."

"I feel so sorry for Lily."

"You shouldn't; Remus gave him some fashion advice."

"Regardless, she'll be dressed in something revealing, I think. Why is she going shopping with him, anyway? I thought she hated him."

"Well…" Sirius told her everything, from the love potion to Molly and Remus' rendezvous. She was silent for a few minutes.

"People say that I'm weird. I used to believe them."

"You still should," he joked. She swatted him on the arm.

"So, what are you going to do?"

"Transform into something with wings and fly to Canada?"

"Not unless you take me. They have wonderful bacon."

"You'd go to a country just for bacon? That's a bit irrational."

"No, going to a country with a better economy without even thinking if they have what you like to eat, _that's _irrational."

"I don't think I'll ever understand your reasoning."

"No one does, and that's why I will one day rule the world. MWAHAHA!"

"You scare me, sometimes. I'm sure there's a sort of group therapy for this problem of yours."

She tilted her head to the side and stared off into space.

"Heather?"

No response.

"Heather!"

Nothing.

"Lalaith!"

"I've got it!"

"Got what, gas? That's the face people get when they're gassy."

"That was my thinking face, thank you very much!"

"I applaud you, then; it's hard for me to think when I'm trying to hold one in."

"Nice. Anyway, I've got an idea! You take James, Lily, Remus and Molly on a group date, along with Arthur, and then she'll realize that she actually wants him instead of Remus!"

Sirius fixed her with a hard gaze.

"What are you looking at?"

"A genius, that's what!" He picked her up and spun her around. She was lighter than he expected, so she went up in the air quite a bit. She giggled with glee, and when he set her down he hugged her.

"Will you come with me? I might not be able to handle them all on my own."

"Only if I can bring Tara. She's better with this stuff than I am."

"Of course! I'm anxious to get to know her better."

"As well you should. I think I'm going to retire for the night."

"Goodnight, Heather."

"Goodnight, O great particle of Canis Major!"

"Please don't tell me that you're going to call me that regularly."

"No, I haven't decided what nickname you'll be given yet." She walked over to the girl's dormitory entrance, closing the door behind her.

Sirius started toward his own dorm, and then he heard someone clearing his throat.

"Oh! I didn't see you, Remmy!"

"Of course you didn't, I'm a ninja in a sweater. I have a few questions for you."

"Fire away, Agent of Argyle."

"Are you planning on dating Heather?"

"Now really, Remus. She's not at all my type."

"You don't _have _a type, Sirius. I'm wondering if you're developing one."

"Goodnight." He said, walking away.

….

Sirius, Remmy, Peter, James, Molly and Lily were walking through Hogsmeade, heading toward the Three Broomsticks. They were going to meet up with Heather, Tara and Arthur there in about two minutes. They just strolled along, looking in shop windows and discussing where they were going to go after the date.

They pushed their way into the pub, which was incredibly crowded as usual. They looked around frantically, trying to figure out where the rest of their party before they were squashed. Heather stood up and began to wave her hands around above her head. They went over to her, and they saw Tara for the first time. She was very thin, with sparkling blue eyes and burgundy hair. Her smile reached from ear to ear.

"Hey! You guys must be the brood!" She said, rising and shaking their hands .

"Brood?" Remus asked, eyeing her suspiciously.

"Yeah, that's what Feather calls you guys."

Sirius looked at her and raised his eyebrows. 'Feather' blushed. "Well, there are quite a lot of you, and it gets quite tiring saying all of your names…"

"It's fine. Um, Feather? Where did that come from?" Lily asked.

"It's pretty much the opposite of 'Heavy Heather'. She does it to raise my self-confidence. She's cool like that!" Heather said as she and Tara initiated in some sort of elaborate handshake. They all sat down at two tables that had been put together.

"So Tara, tell us about yourself." James prompted.

"Well, I have an amazing taste in music, I love songwriting, I play guitar, and I write stories. I was born in Texas, and I've been best friends with Heather for nearly seven years."

"How did you guys meet?" Remus asked.

"We met at a bonfire for Guy Fawkes night." They turned to each other and chanted "Remember remember the fifth of November!"

"I thought you said you'd only been in this country for five years, Heather." said Sirius.

"The bonfire was in America." She said.

"But… Why were you celebrating Guy Fawkes night in America?"

"I had some British friends at the time. Tara knew them as well, and the rest is history."

They laughed and sang a little bit, and the Marauders found that they really did like Tara. She was quite the character, and one of the sweetest people that they had ever met.

"Speak up, Arthur! We haven't heard you talk all night!" Molly said.

"I'm afraid that I have nothing to contribute to the conversation;" he mumbled, glaring at Remus.

"Now really, you must have _something _to say!" Sirius prompted.

"All right, then," he said as he stood from his chair and took a deep breath. His body stiffened, and then it all came out in a rush. "MollyIloveyouIknowthatyou''dgooutwithme!" He stumbled around the table and bolted out the door.

Molly's eyes widened and her face lost all of its color. She looked to Remus, then to the door, back to Remus, back to the door. Then she pulled away and ran into the bathroom.

Tara looked at everyone at the table. "You were right, Feather. They are exciting!"


End file.
